Will I ever be good enough?

In Dec 1987 I had surgery for testicular cancer
I spent the next year trying to recover from multiple surgeries and radiation therapy
I was in the USMC at the time

I worked hard to get into shape and lose my excess weight
I was big and over limit
I had been that way even before the surgery but it got worse after

I was hitting the gym occaisonally but mostly running
I was up to 45 miles a week
I was able to do a ton of situps and pullups
My PFT (Physical Fitness Test) scores had me in the top % of USMC fitness
But I was too big for them

I could run 3 miles in 18:35 and 10k in under 43 minutes
I still wore a size 42 pants tho
Which according to the USMC wasn't skinny enough
My CO got me discharged for my weight

I started reading Real Strong
It made me start to realize how much that had affected me and my image of myself
No matter how hard I had tried, how strong I was and what I did I wasn't skinny enough to be good enough for them
I was and am still a Marine
I earned that title and am proud of it
But I wasn't good enough for them
They kept a drug user over me so my not being skinny was worse than being a druggie
I really didn't realize just how much latent anger I had
I really didn't know how much it hurt
It is something I will have to work out now

I started this blog to help me get better
To express where my pain, struggle and issues are
I don't know that I will ever get to the point where someone would use me as a poster child for motivation
You know, those super in shape bodies that say "Keep going" so you can be like them

Fine then
I won't be that poster child
What I am going to do is this: BE THE BEST I CAN BE
I doubt I will ever get a 6 pack or single digit fat %
I am now coming to realize that shouldn't be my true goal

I am going to get stronger
I am going to get healthier
I am going to be the best I can be

No comments:

Post a Comment