Live or Hide

Everyday you take 1 step closer to dying
You can either try to hide from death which also hides you from life
Or you can realize, embrace and live your life

Last Friday I went to the service for my father
I can choose to hide and shelter myself or not choose which is the same thing
Or I can choose to use this to wake me up to do the things that make me happy, that let me make others happy and better

The best legacy anyone can leave behind is for people to say "He LIVED his life and made others lives better, they were better for knowing him"

I am better for having known my father

Some people have told me I need to take time off
To heal and mourn
To shelter myself until I can come out stronger

I have thought about the idea
I can't do it tho
What I choose to do is to heal myself by getting healthier
What I choose to do is not feel sorry for myself but to celebrate my life and the legacy of my father
What I choose to do is to push myself and make myself better

Right now I am in my strength phase of my working out
Saturday after the internment I went to the gym
I had to push myself to my breaking point, pick myself up and do it again and again
I broke down into tears at least 4 times while I pushed myself harder than I have in a long time or even ever
I used that emotion to push myself and drive thru the pain
When I was done I was amazed
Where I had been doing 4 sets of 6 at 45lbs/hand with dumbells I finished by doing 1 set of 3 at 80lbs in each hand
Where I had been doing 4 sets of 6 squats at 70lbs I went up to using the 100lb dumbbell then using cables up to 200lbs then finally to doing a regular deadlift with 1 set of 3 at 277.5lbs
Where I had been doing 4 sets of 6 pull downs at 90lbs I managed to get 1 set of 3 at 200lbs (form suffered at that point tho)
Where I had been doing 4 sets of 6 with 50lbs of curls I managed to get 3 reps at 110 but suffered with form so went back to doing sets of 3 with 100lbs and had several sets

Yes, I am proud of what I did

I was thinking about a phrase used by some
I decided what that was going to mean for me
Every day I will strive to live my life to the fullest
I will work on myself to make myself healthy
I will open myself to more experiences
I will do my best to not say "NO" automatically but at least think about it

I am making progress in getting my house cleaned up
Throwing things away that I don't need
Making progress every day
Even if it is just a small change
My goal is to have my main floor cleaned up so company could drop by and I wouldn't panic or pretend I am not home
I am giving myself until Memorial weekend to be done
This won't include the finish work on the kitchen (paint walls, trim and new flooring)
I also need to get a new bed so will rearrange my bedroom

I joined a dating site
I am trying to get used to not getting responses
I think it is rude but I guess that is the way it works
Maybe someday I will get a response that says "Yes, let's talk"
Might try a different site that is more selective in matching people up

Pictures in 10 days
In some ways I am looking forward to it but in other ways I am nervous
I am worried that there won't be any changes
I feel that I am improving but it still scares me that I won't see it
I think that would be the hardest thing to keep me motivated thru

Overall, I am doing ok

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for this. Isn't it funny how we all seem to feel those same feeling regardless of geography, time & space? We are definitely not alone. And we WILL get through this.
    Wendy from I See Fit People