Long Time

Making major improvements in the house
I have the dining room fixed up
Furniture from my dad's in there
Have the sewing room ready to use
Just have to clean out the sewing machines from disuse and dust
Shout out to Elsolel for all the help and support

Biggest Loser was an awesome show
In my opinion, it went down hill in the last couple seasons
But in the mean time, it set some extremely distorted expectations for weight loss
I know that it took me years to get where I was/am at
I know that it will take me a long time to get better
It can just be frustrating when it goes so slow

Added some exercises to my workout
Feeling some good DOMS
Will talk to trainer tomorrow
Discuss where we will take my training

Trying to figure out why I am having problem getting full focus again
It seems like that hot fire has lowered intensity
But I keep plugging on

My Reality Don't Compare

Follow up from this morning's post
Forgot to mention
While I was in the room to do my Bod Pod there was a guy in a wheel chair
I could see at least a 12" scar running down the back of his head and neck and under his t-shirt
He was limited to using basically his left arm/hand for most things

I may have had to deal with negative feelings
I may have wondered why I was doing all the things I was doing and dealing with DOMS and fatigue
I may have wondered if I was ever going to gain the upper hand against my body
I may have wondered if I would ever succeed

I had to deal with those feelings
Those were MY feelings and emotions
I felt like crap
I am human

But, never, did I ever truly contemplate quitting
As much as I was dealing with feelings that my life sucked

I am not stuck in a wheel chair or on prosthetics or blind or truly dealing with shell shock/battle fatigue/combat stress (PTSD now)
I am able to work to remove the years of buildup of fat in my system
I am able to get up, move, and improve my life

Lots of sayings out there about trails, journeys, destinations, goals and "sis boom bah"
Lots of motivational sayings you can get on posters, plaques and ribbons
The one right now I am thinking is "You are never defeated until you quit"

I have this one I did that sits at my desk
Need to get it done up nicer so I can frame it but

I Will Make Choices
I Will Forgive Myself
I Will Make Decisions
I Deserve Good Things
I Will Always Be Mindful
I Am As Good As I Think I Am
I AM WORTH IT

Reality can be a BITCH

I mentioned I was excited about doing the BodPod thing
I got my body fat done by one of those Omron hand held devices
I was measured after the exercise so think I need to redo it
Might even get one of my own to start keeping track at home
I had it done as Normal and Athlete
My Normal was 37.4% (down from a starting point of over 40%)
My Athlete reading was 31.6%
Since the tester has the difference I looked up the proper settings
I should be close to Athlete per the manual

Now on to the reality bitch slap
I was fasting for the bod pod
I had been drinking but that shouldn't affect it too much
My ear rings, I was told, would affect the readings but minimal
My reading was 40.4%
My RMR (Resting Metabolic Rate) was calculated at 2405 calories
If I was sedentary 3078, Low Active 3632, Active 4185 and Very Active 5002 calories
My weight at the time of the measurement was 311.847lbs
My Fat Free Mass was 185.772lb (which has a funny since the federal charts say I should weigh 168)
My Fat Mass was 126.075lbs (FRAK that looks bad)
At 1.5lb a week (which is most anyone says you should lose over long term) that means I have more than a year to get where I "should" be
I do know, my goal is not weight loss but fat loss so will have to keep that in mind

I will admit after getting the results I was dealing with some VERY bad negative emotions
I was seriously wondering why I bothered
Why, after all my work, was I being pushed back
Why it felt like I had taken 3 steps forward and just got knocked back 5
WTF?

One of the biggest concerns with this number and where I carry the excess fat is that a LOT of it is adipose
That means that is it internal and around my organs
This is the stuff that can and will kill you if you don't do something
I have escaped dying 2 times already
This is going to have to be number 3
The good news, as elsolel (nickname for the girl I have started dating) will always seem to look for, is that if I can get rid of it then most of my medical conditions could go away

Sent a text to elsolel after I got done and was waiting to see my endo
Told her the results and some of the feelings
Got a LOT of support from her
Thank You!!!

Got an email from HH from the VA
She was concerned that the numbers would affect me badly and maybe make me quit
Sent back a note saying I was dealing with negative feelings but wasn't going to stop
We will plan on doing it again in 3 months when I go in next time

The good news on my blood work
My A1c is down to 6.7 from 8.2 in November (doctor VERY happy with this)
My triglycerides are still high but a little better
My LDL is back in normal range since I told my doctor I was stopping the Atorvistatin
HDL went up a little but moving in the right direction now
MCV/MCH/RDW still out of range but hemoglobin good so they will do an iron panel next time to see if I have something causing borderline anemia
Rest of my numbers were good or improved to better

Doctor believes the only way for me to really get my triglycerides down will be with weight loss
The only time they were lower than now was when I was 20lbs lighter
I haven't been concentrating on trying to lose weight but in gaining strength and muscle mass
I know in the long run that is better since muscle will raise my RMR (also known to me as BMR)

For now, I don't plan on making any major changes to anything
I will do 2 things I haven't been doing tho

First, I will start logging my food again
I had been doing it but since what I eat wasn't changing a lot it wasn't varying a lot
It was also stressing me since I was using the defaults and was getting a LOT of reds (bad) in my numbers
I will change the settings to customize it
15-20% carbs
30-40% protein
40-55% fat
Eat clean foods
Keep the paleo concept and avoid the grains, legumes, starchy veggies

Second, I will start incorporating a LITTLE cardio into my workouts
Possibly add in a 4th day that has more
Like Sat morning
I will do stuff like rowing, biking and possibly some elliptical
I will not be doing very much treadmill since that is where I seem to have had issues in my past

I am going to use a concept from rifle shooting
If your first shot doesn't hit the mark, don't make major changes until you have made your second shot
If your second hits the same spot, you know how to correct
If your second shot misses then you aren't consistent and need to check everything over and restart

I will admit this felt like a kick to the gut
I will admit this really damped down my enthusiasm and excitement
I will also admit that this will NOT stop me

SUCK

FRAK
One of my worst workouts today
Weights that I handled fine last week kicked my ass today
Felt like nothing in the tank
Weak and tired

Talking to my trainer during the workout
He said I was busting ass but we were having to scale down from what he was expecting me to lift
Told him that I feel like I am constantly walking around with low level muscle fatigue and muscle soreness/tightness
I like that feeling in a way since it means that I am pushing myself and my body is always in recovery mode
But it also means I need to make some changes and make sure I am doing what I know I need to be doing

Made me think about these questions
What do you do when you have a bad workout?
Do you scale or quit?
Do you cry and complain or do you keep going (or both ;-P)
Do you just blow it off and figure it will be ok next time or do you examine what you are doing and see if there is a reason for it?

I scaled the workout, kept going, bitched a bit and then I thought about it and examined what I have been doing
This is what I came up with

I need to stretch more
I need to make sure that I take time every day to warm up some and stretch out

I need to concentrate types of workouts
I need to concentrate pushes, pulls and legs with the level I am doing now
When I started I could do whole body but not any more
I have stepped up and am training more like an athlete
I wasn't thinking about today when I did my workout Monday
I did triceps pushdowns and cable cross-overs on Monday
I knew today was supposed to be concentrating on chest pushes
Wasn't thinking about my training at a higher level
I need to think out what I am doing and plan for it in advance
I burned out part of my chest on Monday and paid for it today
I need to think ahead and treat myself like an athlete and plan to train like one
Lesson learned

I need to get back to conscientious eating
I have to get better about not eating the exceptions
Exceptions that happen too often become habits
I need to plan out and execute meals the way I was before
I have gotten complacent with my meals and taking shortcuts and not eating whole meals but quick fix meals
Nothing really bad but not full meals
Each meal needs to include protein, fat and carbs
Plate of meat is not a good meal for the long run
My meals need to be fuel for my body
They need to be complete and even more so taste good so I ENJOY them

I am very much enjoying my time with the woman I started dating
As much as I enjoy time together, I need to make sure to balance that with taking care of myself
I can't take the hit by staying up late then expect to have a good workout
I have to sleep to recover
I know she agrees and wants the best for me
I know I want the best for her and each of us at our best is that
I just enjoy the time talking and learning about her that I don't want to go away and leave her
I know a better me makes a better us
It is all about the balance

Excited
Tomorrow is my 3 month blood work check with endo
I am excited to see the changes since I started really putting in the effort mid-March

Tomorrow I get to be put in a bodpod
Got my body fat by one of those Omron hand held devices today
We did it as both normal and athlete
Will compare those numbers to what the bodpod says tomorrow to see which of those settings is more accurate
I will post numbers when I have them all
But I will say this, the 2 settings changed my body fat by 6%

Not Alone

1 month ago
1 long month
A month of trying to cope with the loss
A month of trying to keep going
A month of trying to come to grips with conflicting feelings and emotions

Loss of my father
Loss of someone I could talk to
Loss of a person that helped make me what I am today, both good and bad
Frustration with someone that didn't finish some things he had promised
Frustration at trying to gather pieces of his life with no guides
Happiness in finding someone that makes me feel good
Happiness in making progress in my house
Happiness in making myself healthier
Fear when I realize that I have some of the same health issues he did
Guilt that I didn't do enough, didn't spend enough time, didn't show my love enough, didn't say "I Love You" enough
Guilt that I miss him so much
Moments of great darkness and pain
Moments of great joy
Moments of tears that just come

I don't know that the pain will ever go away
I do know, if the deaths of all of my grandparents are a comparison, that I will come to terms with it and move on

I read today about someone struggling with the loss of their parent
Reading the words of support for them reminded me of the words of support I received
They made me truly realize, we are not alone
We make ourselves alone but we are not alone

We find it easier to offer support than to accept it
We find it easier to be strong rather than show what we think as weakness
We find it easier to offer a shoulder for someone to cry on than to cry on someones shoulder
We find it easier to hold someone close in a hug than to allow someone to hold us
We find it easier to say "I'm fine" than to say "I hurt. I need help. I feel lost. I want a hug."

Even now, after writing that, I am having a problem saying it
Even now, I am trying to put the good face on and say "I'm fine. I will be strong."

To be honest, I hurt, I need help, I feel lost, I want to curl up, be held & cry out the pain
I just have to be willing to accept

Little Steps Add Up

Feeling good
Took that chance
Asked that girl out
Am very glad I did
She accepts me as I am but also supports my efforts to change

Got super busy over the weekend so didn't get pictures yesterday
Took them this morning

Comparing the pictures I realized why it is so hard to keep going sometimes

Here is the comparison from last month to today

Notice how there doesn't look like a lot of change?
When you see this change on a day to day basis you can't see them
They are all too small

Now compare what I have managed to do since Jan

Those changes are obvious

These are what help keep me motivated

Celebrate

We went back to high rep work and it kicked my ass hard
Still feel the burn and my legs are wobbly
Even tho I went to high rep again, all the weights went up by at least 30% from my starting point 6 weeks ago
Going up and down the stairs has to be done carefully
3 or 4 weeks of this until it doesn't hit me like this then back to high weight low rep
Probably go to a more body zone workout
Rotate thru the week each body part to failure

I take my pictures this weekend and I expect to see the improvement too
Tightened up my belt yesterday walking around
Had to or lose my pants

Now to one of the reasons I am flying right now

I said Monday that improvement wasn't my goal
That doing the right thing was
That doing it because it was the right thing was my goal

With all that being said
On GO repeat after me "FRAK YES"
3..2..1..GO "FRAK YES"

Took measurements this morning at the gym after working out
Lost some weight (not posting because I don't care about that number, it is just used to figure body fat)
My body fat, while still high, dropped 2% in 6 weeks
While not my ultimate goal, losing fat, it is a reason I workout, so I can be healthier and live my life more fully

Another reason I am flying
I get to meet someone, in person, tomorrow
Someone that I have been talking to online
Someone that I like, a lot

So yes, I am going to feel good about my victories
Yes, I am going to enjoy my improvements
Yes, I am going to find joy in meeting someone new and special

Yes, I am going to celebrate all of this because I deserve it and I am worth it