SCARED

I have been training for a GoRuck Light on July 2nd.

My friend that was going to come up and do it with me just let me know she suffered an injury and won't make it.

I have been having serious doubts and fears that I will be able to complete it.
That I will be able to carry my own share of the event and not be a drag on the team.

I have been giving serious thought to sending an email and telling them I can't do it and postpone my event until a later one.
I really want to do that.

Why?
Because I don't know that I can do it.
Because I don't know that I am in shape for it.
Because I am SCARED.

I really want to complete it but I am scared that I will try and fail.
That I will be told that I am not good enough to complete the event.
That I will be embarrassed and humiliated for not making it.

It scares me enough that I have been stressing a LOT about it.

I was talking to someone about the music I listen to and I mentioned that one of my favorite songs was "Live Like You Were Dying"
This is one of those things that I need to do.

My logo has NO QUIT NO OBSTACLE NO EXCUSE on it.
I need to do a new one.
I need to add NO REGRET.

As I was thinking about all of this, I remembered this quote:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt, "Man in the Arena" Speech given April 23, 1910

It just boils down to a couple things.
I need to let go of the fear of failure.
I need to let go of the fear of not being good enough.

As the Spartans used to say, Η ΤΑΝ Η ΕΠΙ ΤΑΣ
Ή τάν ή επί τάς (I tan i epi tas): "This, or on this"

That is all I can do, my best, and either be victorious or go down trying.
Valhalla isn't populated with those that postponed their trials.

Motivation for the Long Run

I have tried multiple times to lose weight.
Anyone that has read this blog for any length of time has seen that.

I have tried various diet programs.
I have tried various workouts.
I have done a lot of things.

The one thing I haven't done, is stick with it.
I will do it for a while and then I either lose heart or I hurt myself trying to do too much.

At this point, I have been working out for a couple of months.
I can feel myself wanting to make excuses.
I can tell I am finding it harder to get up in time to get to the gym.
It is easier to make excuses and not get up.

I have a GoRuck on July 2.
I am still working out for it but even with that as motivation, I am struggling to keep going.

I have also not gotten a good meal plan going.
I need to plan out stuff more and shop for that.

I need to find something to help keep me motivated and going until I get the momentum to not stop.

I hear you but I am not sure I believe you

My girlfriend, Elsolel, keeps telling me I am awesome.
I have family and others telling me that I am doing a good job.
The manager at the gym commented that it looked like I had lost weight.
My doctor was pleased that my A1c was the lowest it had been in years.

I hear all of this but still struggle to internalize it.
To believe that I am good enough.
That I am doing a good job.
That I am making progress and all the work I am doing is worth it.

As a US Marine veteran, I have an extremely self confident core belief in myself.
I climbed Mount Mother F*cker.
I have been thru some seriously bad stuff.
I walked thru the valley and came out the other side, beaten, damaged, but I made it thru.
I have an absolute belief in myself.

I have a phrase that I made up (as such) a LONG time ago
Yes I Am As Good As I Think I Am
YIAAGAITIA

But I still doubt myself at times.
I still doubt my worth at times.

You know what?
It is perfectly fine for me to doubt myself at times.
I won't dwell in the doubt.
I won't wallow in self pity.

I see that I have doubt, I acknowledge those feelings, and I move on.
Feelings are real.
I know that I have to deal with them or they will fester.

Will I ever be able to join the solid core inner belief in myself with my minds self doubting & self criticizing part into a solid non doubting combination?
I don't know.
I just know that I will keep moving on.

You never know when the Gods are watching.
You never know when someone that is on the ragged edge of quitting life completely will see you and say, "Because of that person, I will give it another try. I will go another day."
You may never know when your actions can inspire someone to not quit.

I will do my best to always live my life in honor.
I will do my best to always live my life as an inspiration just in case.

Disappointed and Satisfied Both

Well, it has been a bit over a week since MantiCon and Lady WestMarch's challenge.

I took the week leading up to the 23 hour race event a bit easy.
I wanted to make sure the blister was fully healed and I was dealing with back spasms.

After doing the event, I have decided I need a new patch for my hat; "Embrace The Suck".
Ordered from Amazon.

The 23 hour race event went well.
As well as it could after raining for the day before and during the entire event.
2"+ of running water on the mountain bike trails.
The snowmobile trail turned into a muddy bog that I could sink into up to mid calf.
Temps maintained about 50º.

I had originally planned my target to reach 25 miles.
Once I got there, found out they were doing a 5 mile out & 5 mile back route.
I changed my goal to do 20 miles and then see.

After doing the first 10 miles, my back was really tweaking.
I took a 90 minute break and went back out for my 2nd loop.
I had modified the route, since I was in the running for any of the winner prizes.
I cut out the worst of the bog section and added mileage via the 1 section of road.
In total, it actually added a bit to the distance and I could do it without tweaking my back.
Serious hill but I did it.
Once I got to the rest stop, I decided to call it.
I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it back thru the off road area in the dark.

I am disappointed that I didn't make my goal.
I am very satisfied and proud of what I did do.
I have a goal for next year, to beat this year.

As for the matching negative and positive, I don't know that I really have a negative.

Now to train for the GoRuck Light July 2nd.