Is it the weather or the season or the holidays

Woke up this morning really down
I have been feeling depressed and out of it for a while
I don't know if it is the season, the weather, the holiday, or what

Don't know if depressed is the right word
I know it is more
I am hoping by writing it down it might help
I am EXTREMELY self critical right now to the point of thinking I don't deserve good things

I know there are people in my life that care for me
I know that I am better off than many
I know that I am thankful for what I do have
I know that I am a good person
I know that it isn't as bad as it seems right now
I know there is a difference between knowing and feeling


I feel alone
I feel frustrated
I feel like I am useless
I feel like I am not getting anywhere in my life
I feel like I am trapped
I feel like I am not doing any good for anyone
I feel like I am just existing
I feel like always behind and will never ever come out ahead
I feel like crying


Pieces of progress

My insulin pump came in last Monday
I went in to get fitted today
I am hoping it will help me keep my sugars under even better control
I have been keeping my A1c in the 7s but I still have to take a lot of insulin when I take it
Or I have to take it more often to be more effective
Now I will be taking it a lot more often and should have my dawn phenomenon covered

Have paperwork now to order a CGM (Constant Glucose Monitor)
It sticks to me like the pump connection and registers blood sugars all day
Still have to stick finger but that is just to compare and validate
What it is good for is to compare to all the other data from pump and stuff to help get even better contol

Need to get back to the gym
I have been doing a little at home but not enough really
I had a good system for a while but just let myself go on it

Got some cleaning done at the house at the end of last week
Have to get the chair out and a new (used) loveseat in there
Will see when I can get that done


Is It a Strength or a Weakness???

My work had us take the Strengths Finder 2.0 test online
Once we took it, we were to look at our strengths and see how it could affect us, our coworkers and how we did our work

1 Strategic - See patterns and make plans to work with those
2 Adaptability - Handle situations well and "go with the flow"
3 Learner - Always striving to know and learn new things
4 Ideation - Like ideas, find connections in data points
5 Intellection - Introspective, contemplation and designing plans

As strengths, I am very powerful in an IT area as a go to person for issues
I am able to think outside the box around issues
I am able to think of new ways to do things and am not limited to "we have always done it this way", in fact I don't like that as an reason
I am very good at handling crisis situations since I have probably already gamed it out and pre-planned out strategies to resolve it
I am extremely good at troubleshooting and developing a resolution by either combining various data points with experience or noticing patterns that most can't see without them being pointed out

Those same strengths as weaknesses
One thing that was pointed out while looking at these
Almost all of them are intellectual and none are active
The other thing was that day to day repetitive type stuff will bore me and make me not want to do it

What does this mean?
It might help me explain why I have problems keeping going with things I need to do with me life
I am bad about logging my foods/insulin
I am bad about planning, shopping and keeping up with food choices so I tend to just fall back to easy quick crap
I am bad about keeping up with house maintenance and bills

So what do I do about this?
These strengths are awesome in my job
These strengths seem to be weaknesses in my personal life
In keeping myself going on fitness and healthy eating

I find I do better when I have someone around to push me or give me motivotion to follow
So how do I do this for myself?
How do I develop the mental discipline to stay on the path?

And the answer is......................................................................

I don't know


F*ck Cancer

I had cancer and got VERY lucky that all the right things happened
I have been cancer free for 25 years

Aug 9 I will be walking in a Relay For Life to help raise money for research to help discover the cure for cancer

This is what I have on my fundraising page

My photo tells my story. 25 years ago, I beat cancer.

Now I want to give everyone else the same chance.

In Nov '87 I was in the US Marines and had come home on leave for Thanksgiving with my wife and 3 month old baby. While home I noticed swelling and went in to the doctor. 5 hours later I was being prepped for surgery. I woke the next morning to find I was missing a testicle and now had to deal with cancer. I was lucky because my surgeon had education and suspected it and performed the surgery that gave me the best chance of survival if it was cancer. Thanks to his skill and knowledge I am here today to pass it forward.

I wear a purple shirt as a survivor. Too many wear it because someone didn't survive. I don't want them to have to give anymore purple shirts because cancer has been beaten.

Give money, if you can't donate, pass my page on to others so they might.



Everyone Has A Terminal Disease

Everyone has a terminal disease, called time
Everyone is dying due to time
Some will die sooner and some later

I was watching the video made for Zach Sobiech
He was diagnosed with a rare cancer at 14
He passed on 5/20/2013

In the video they show a video of the song that became popular, "Clouds"
The comment was that they didn't make the video because he was dying but how he was living

I have always had a special love for the song Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw
It was something that helped me thru when my father passed
He was living his life
He travelled, he volunteered, he helped others and he did what he could to make lives better
The greatest legacy he left is that many lives were made better by his life

It made me think, would someone make a video of my life?
Would anyone be willing to make a video of how I am living my life?
Am I living my life to it's fullest?
Am I inspirational?
Am I worthy?
Do I make others lives better by my life?


Well Isn't This Just Great

My last post, forever ago, included these Tasks/Goals
This year
Once I find out about my shoulder I will be doing what it takes to get it fixed
I will be doing dental to finish the preventative and what repair I can complete
I will be talking to my local doctor about switching my care from the VA to her since she is closer and easier to get to
I will be making progress on the house by clearing out the main floor and getting it cleaned up and maintained
I will be deciding on what events I want to support and go to, whether conventions, rendezvous, volunteer or just vacation time
I will be making changes and improvements in my finances
I will continue to post what I am thinking and feeling

I went in about my shoulder
Calcium deposits and beginnings of arthritis
I have done therapy on it and it is much better
Have to go back for another evaluation as I still have pain
Might get another cortisone shot since that seems to do more than PT itself

I got a little bit of dental done but then had a tooth pulled so had to put a hold on it for a bit
Have to schedule another appointment for more work

I talked to my doctor and she was happy to take my care
What I didn't have figured in was that I have a $2500 deductible
I have to plan for that money to come out at the beginning of the year
Some of my prescriptions are $350 each month
Since I have to fill about 6 of them, that is brutal at the beginning of the year if it isn't planned for

I haven't made much progress on the house yet
I am going to have to do the kitchen now tho
Then work my way out again

I know of a couple events I have planned
Convergence, Deer River, Big Island
Money will be tight so have to decide on others

Dealing with prescriptions at the beginning of the year got me behind on finances
I am ok but making up the difference is making things even tighter
I really need to do up a budget and make plans on dealing with finances on a schedule
That has always been an issue for me tho
I need a financial advisor to do it for me :-)

I haven't been posting
To be honest, I haven't been doing a lot other than "day to day"
Fighting depression
I am hoping that summer will help

I have formed a diagnosis on my self of gluten and corn sensitivity
I have dealt with issues of getting the runs off and on
I always put it off to eating something funny
It turns out that it is eating something bad for me
I have done better when avoiding high carb anyway to it is just more incentive to do more paleo

I am thinking about putting the word out for a working party
I would provide food and drink for assistance in clearing stuff
My kitchen needs to be cleared out, walls painted and flooring put in
If possible, I want to change out the door to the porch to a sliding one to let me use the space in the kitchen more efficiently
The current one opens up into the kitchen and takes up a large portion of the floor space

I have been dealing with something like a chest cold or lung irratation for over a month now
Not sure if I have funky sinus drainage or something affecting my lungs
I got a call from the doctor that it is time to schedule an appointment so will call on Monday and do that
Will include the chest check while I am there
Probably have to go in 2 times as they need bloodwork for this one, unless I go in early and do it then wait around and use up most of a day for it

Work is being stressful now
I can multi-task but having to troubleshoot issues that turn out to be caused by others can become annoying
I am becoming the subject matter expert on several things at work
Just adds to the workload
Doing well at it tho
Just have to keep doing 1 thing at a time and focus enough on it so that it is done right when I do it


Somewhere Between Success and Failure

Definition of Success
The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted

Definition of Failure
The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends

Alternate Definition of Failure
Stopping or Qutting before succeeding

What is it called when you struggle to continue to do the things you should but you don't believe you will succeed?

I have been doing a LOT of soul searching, trying to figure why I have been struggling so much doing the things I need/should be doing
Why have I been struggling eating properly?
Why have I been struggling getting the house cleaned up and nice?
Why have I been struggling at the gym getting in shape and losing the extra fat?
Why have I been struggling with depression?

Last night, while stretching out my shoulder and contemplating a rune spread I had done about my inability to get out of this hole, I had a thought come clear
I don't believe I can succeed right now
I don't KNOW that I can succeed
I can't envision myself successful

I don't know how to fix it
I struggle with motivating myself but if I don't believe, I am just going thru the motions
I have problems celebrating good things that I do or that happen

I just don't know right now


MRI & Pain

I got my MRI results back
Small tear and moderate amount of tendonopathy in 3 of the 4 rotator cuff muscles
Currently I am doing PT
Stretching and strength movements for now
I need to be doing some work on the shoulder 3-4 times

I am working to switch my medical care from the VA to my primary care physician thru my work insurance
What I didn't think about ahead of time, is that I am on a high deductible insurance plan
Normally, the VA gives me care and then sends payment requests to my insurance
This means I make it thru my $2500 deductible quickly
Since I have not gone to the VA yet this year, when she prescribed new meds, it means I had to out of pocket for them
Can you say OUCH!!

I have to check with work to see what can be reimbursed
As far as I know, I might only be able to use my HSA, savings account
This is my money that gets pulled pre-tax
Bad part about using that, is unlike FLEX, it carries over from 1 year to the next
It is a lot like an IRA or 401k so it earns interest
Will have to decide on whether to try to use it or try to just afford it and save the fund for anything serious
Unlike FLEX, I don't have to show receipts to pull money, just have them if I am ever audited

I am feeling fat
My clothes feel tight
I just am having a hard time getting the energy/drive to make changes
I know my shoulder is having a large part in the problem
It is draining and discouraging

Elsolel and her mom are making some changes so hopefully that helps me get my act together
It is hard to help someone else and not do anything yourself

Work is going to be intense and busy for the next month
If I am going to make changes, I really need to make sure I have stuff planned and done ahead of time so I am not just "finding" food
"Finding" food means grabbing on the fly and is almost always is bad for me


New Year 2013

It hasn't been a full year since I started this blog
It has been a full year since I started working on my life improvements
I was making good progress, got paused for mental reason, got restarted and then stopped

I have been keeping decent control of my A1c
I have been dealing with stress with food
I have regained size in my waist and weight
I stopped doing pictures
I stopped trying to be paleo

In the last of 2012 I had to deal with a lot of dental issues
In the last 1/2 of 2012 I started having issues with my shoulder that got worse and got diagnosed as a torn rotator cuff

During 2012 I finished Rugged Maniac Mud Run
I made progress on my blacksmithing and got a propane forge
I worked with a friend in their garage and have made more items for doing demonstrations
I made a lot of progress in knowledge and experience at my job
I started dating a wonderful woman that has made my life better
I had to deal with my fathers death
I got involved with a fun fan group

I made and lost progress towards my goals
I had successes and failures

This year
Once I find out about my shoulder I will be doing what it takes to get it fixed
I will be doing dental to finish the preventative and what repair I can complete
I will be talking to my local doctor about switching my care from the VA to her since she is closer and easier to get to
I will be making progress on the house by clearing out the main floor and getting it cleaned up and maintained
I will be deciding on what events I want to support and go to, whether conventions, rendezvous, volunteer or just vacation time
I will be making changes and improvements in my finances
I will continue to post what I am thinking and feeling

To those that read me Thank You