Today I had my regular appointment at the VA
My control numbers were actually good
Improved in some and level in others
Weight went up tho

Talked to "My" nutritionalist
Heidi was the person in charge of stuff when I went thru a weight loss clinic at the VA years ago
In the last couple years we have been talking when I was up at the VA
She is the one that helped me with getting the BodPod

I was talking to her about what was in my post that I just put out
That I had written it a while ago but never published it
I was telling her how I was feeling like I was in a car, going down hill towards a cliff and saying to myself "Hit the Brakes" and then just not doing anything
How I knew I was eating too much or wrong things
How I could tell myself I needed to do something and then just sit there not doing it

In the last couple months I have been dealing with injuries, work stress, personal stress with money/house/car
As we were talking, I started to realize, food was my comfort blanket when I didn't have anything else
I need to replace that food addiction/comfort blanket with something
I also need to feel like I am making progress and not helpless

What I started to see is that when I could work out, and by workout, I mean using emotion in working out
I did better at doing the right things
I had much lower stress if I could burn out frustration during lifting or working out
Just lifting with no emotion didn't do nearly as much for me
I got a lot of help doing my blacksmithing for much the same reason
It was strenuous but I also accomplished something when smithing
I made something

In the past, I used smoking at times to help with stress
I knew it was a psychological crutch
I did it intentionally and it helped at the time
I won't do that anymore so it seems I am using food to replace that in dealing when I get too much stress

2 things I need
I have to find some way to relieve stress when I am physically unable to do it due to schedule/sickness/injury
I have to find some way to break free of the 3rd party viewing of myself going over the cliff and make myself do something about it

Help appreciated

Thanks Heidi for spending part of your day/lunch talking to me


I wrote the post below 2 weeks ago
I didn't post it then
Not really sure if it was out of shame, fear, doubt or something else
Another post coming as soon as I can write it

I have a food addiction
That is the only thing I can think to call it
Saw a post on FB about food addiction and it just clicked

Elsolel has been staying in the house due to visitors in her house needing her room
I realized that I was hiding food consumption
Eating on the road or eating something and taking the garbage out to get the wrapper/box out of the house
Eating some at work and then eating again at home
Eating out more often and making excuses that it was ok
Eating enough that I am feeling physically ill

I have not been going to the gym
At first it was due to a serious injury on my leg
That is still affecting me but not enough that I couldn't get to the gym
There really isn't a good reason for me to not go

I have put size back on since my pants are getting tighter
Laying on my side I notice my stomach
I have been having more GERD nights
I feel tired
I feel like crap about myself
I feel helpless about it since I find myself eating something, talking to myself about it, chastising myself, then eating more

I have made progress, lost size, got where I was close to going down a pants size, made it thru the Rugged Maniac, eating healthy
Then for some reason I just stop, self sabotage, what ever you want to call it

Somehow I need to figure out what the psychological trigger is that causes me to stop being "good" or doing the "healthy" thing or doing the "right" thing after a while