One of the Longest Weeks

Last week I posted about how I wanted to be the best I could be
How I wanted to get healthier and stronger
How I needed to deal with the pain of not feeling good enough

Little did I know that on Tuesday I would get a phone call that put a lot of things in perspective
I get a call from the VAMC at 14:12 saying that they had gotten a low blood pressure reading from my dad while he was on dialysis
When they checked they found him unconscious and no pulse
At the time of the call they were trying to revive him
I sent an email to my boss, started shutting down my pc (I was at work in Red Wing. 57 miles away) and got out to my truck
I called my brother and sister and then started driving
While driving I was on the phone a lot talking to family
I had to struggle to not speed, even using cruise control at times
I knew it would be over, in 1 way or another, by the time I got there

I got the word while driving, forced it actually since my brother was at the VAMC already and getting frantic, that they had stopped trying to revive him
I was both devastated and relieved at the same time
Devastated that I had lost my father
Relieved that I wasn't going to have to make the decision to pull the plug if needed
He had a DNR, machines only long enough to get family there, do not maintain on machines to maintain a vegatable state

It has been a long week since
I have struggled to eat right
I struggled to get into the gym
I even struggled to take my meds and even when I did they weren't on time

Wednesday I didn't go to the gym
First time since I had started going
I am ok with that
I don't think I even need to forgive myself since I know it wouldn't have been good
I was in no shape mentally to go

The rest of the week was bad eating for me
Not too much of things I don't normally eat, only some, due to schedule
What I was eating was enough to add to the stress and make me feel sick
I asked a great friend to help me out by cooking up some whole chickens I had bought and didn't know when I would be able to deal with them
Didn't want to waste them and it gave me something to just grab that was healthier

Friday I told myself I needed to go to the gym
Several reasons
One was to help relieve some stress
Another was to help burn off energy
And one I have learned about myself, I could not let go of the momentum I had

I had a counselor session scheduled for Friday afternoon already so I obviously went
We talked a bit about a lot of things
When I mentioned my going to gym, he commented that I didn't need to push myself to go
I told him that I had to go
I had made a vow to myself to make a change to my life
To live it fully and do the things I needed to do to make it healthier
I also knew that, given the choice, my dad would want me to go
I needed to keep that momentum going becuase I knew the last thing my dad would have wanted was to use his death as an excuse to stop going
The longer I was away the harder it would be for me to get going again
I know that about myself

I have had people tell me that my journey inspires them
That blogging and telling people about my struggles and victories helps them
What people don't realize is that they can be an inspiration for someone else too

I think that is the best legacy someone can have
For people to say about them: Their life inspired someone and made the world a better place

I posted a couple things on FB but I will post 2 things here that meant a lot to me before and now mean more
I want to live my life by these 2 things
Poem by Linda Ellis called _The Dash_
Song from the movie _The Bucket List_ by Tim McGraw called _Live Like You Were Dying_

1 comment:

  1. another great post, John. Thanks so much for sharing what life has brought you through in the past week(s). God Bless.