Disgusted and Tears

In preparation for my weight loss surgery, I asked Elsolel to assist me with measturements and pictures.
Our plan is to take pics and measurements every Sunday for the next 9 weeks for sure.
We will also do it on the 2 key Wednesdays, 27 June, the day I start my liquid diet, and 18 July, the day of my surgery.


Elsolel handed me my phone after taking the pictures and I literally started to cry.
I was so disgusted and ashamed and frustrated with how I look, how big I had become.
I found a picture of myself when I was trying to lose weight last time, and I am upset that I would be happy with that size right now.
At that size, I was going to the gym more often, I didn't hurt like I do now, I even did a Rugged Maniac.

My initial measurements

DATE	6/24/2018
Weight	374
Around Shoulders	64.25
Chest at Armpit	58
Chest at Nipple	60.25
Chest at Sternum	60.5
Waist	66
Hips	50
Bicep	22
Forearm	16
Wrist	8
Thigh	29
Calf	20.5
Ankle	11.5

My initial formulated body fat

LEAN BODY MASS	225.188
BODY FAT WEIGHT	148.812
BODY FAT PERCENT	39.78930481

This is using the formula at http://www.bmi-calculator.net/body-fat-calculator/body-fat-formula.php.

My initial pictures

The first pic is the grid I will be using as the back drop.
It is 33" wide, each square is 1".

For those that have followed my journey over the last 6 years you have seen me up and down and even pulled back and didn't post for a year.
This is what I looked like when I started, 6 years ago that I said I would be glad to be at now

I am going to try to post updates each week over the next 9-10 weeks then probably monthly after that.
My timeline as of now.
20180627 - Start 3 weeks liquid diet prep for surgery.
20180718 - Weight Loss Surgery. Clear Liquid diet.
20180725 - Change from Clear Liquid to Full Liquid diet, include stuff like yogurt, V8, pudding, and cottage cheese.
20180808 - Change from Full Liquid diet to Pureed diet. I can have most anything as long as it is pureed.
20180622 - Convert from Pureed diet to regular diet. I will be up to eating 1/4 - 1/2 cup food.

My goals for the surgery?
Weight loss: I want to be back down near my USMC weight at discharge (225) so from my current 374 to 250 pounds.
Diabetes: If I can't get rid of it completely, I want to at least go from U500 to U100 normal insulin. It would be even better if I could be off of insulin completely.
Size: I wore size 40-42 at that time so somewhere near there. A 1X or 2X shirt would be awesome.
Fitness: I want to be able to move like I used to, at least close to it. Not sure I will ever get to my sub 5 min mile but I would like to get a 5k at a jog.
Rucking: I want to be able to use my GoRuck Light credit and participate in one where I can carry myself and not need someone else to carry my stuff.
Personal: I want to be confident in myself again. I want to be able to think about myself without self deprecation.

So this weekend I am eating my last supper type stuff.
Elsolel and I went to Outback Steakhouse and had a Blooming Onion and other stuff.
I have had Cheetos, Doritos, and bagels, stuff I normally avoid but am getting my last ever taste of them.
I might be able to eat some of this stuff after a long while, maybe in a year or so but it might truly be the last time I do.

Mental Negotiations

So I went down to Canal Fulton with my brother for the Eagle UP Ultra.

We got down there early Friday and got set up before the rain showed up.
I had my new canopy and small tent to attach to it and that worked out well.
In fact, I decided to not put up the 12 person tent since I didn't want to deal with it wet.

After the issues I had at FANS with my pack, I had made some changes to it.
In testing and short walks, it seemed to work a lot better.

I decided to use my Team RWB shirt for the first lap and everything seemed good to go when I left.
What I didn't realize/think about, is that my shirt was tek gear and so were my shorts which means they slide against each other really well.
This means that the belt kept sliding up and shifting the pack around and making me have to keep adjusting it back to where it was supposed to be.

I had also done my weight differently and gotten more chains for the back of it.
I did that on purpose for the visibility sake.
It did make it a LOT harder to do the walk, however.
More than I anticipated I guess since that first loop took 2 1/2 hours to complete.
When I got back, I crossed the line and took a long break.

There were a many mental negotiations done about going back out.
I made a comment to my brother on the drive back, that if I had taken my camera down, I very likely would have just not gone back out and just done pictures.
I really didn't want to do another loop since the first one was so bad, on top of how I did at FANS.
I did just wait thru the main portion of the rain during the day and finally got back up to do a different loop.

I had changed into new gear and had my Team RWB We Will Ruck You dry blend t-shirt on.
That didn't slide and the pack stayed in place much better this time.
The problem then was that my back was already toast and with the set up of the pack, it just was a serious issue to make it around.

I ended up doing my pick a point, walk to it, stop, stretch, and then pick my next point.
Jarvi caught up to me towards the end of my second loop and stayed with me until almost the end when I told her I could see the line and she should go.
I also got to spend some time with Fireman Frank which was cool.

When I got done with my second loop, I told Eric I was done.
At that point, there was only 10 hours left in the event, I needed a break, and I took over 3 hours to make the loop so I didn't think I would have the time to safely get another loop done.
I wasn't happy, but I decided it was the best thing for me at the time.

It is difficult for me to not compare my capabilities now to what I could do when I was younger.

I do know, that if I can lose the weight I expect to, that I will do better.
My goal is 250 pounds, which is within 25 pounds of my fit weight in the Marines.
When I was running at that point, at 225 pounds, I could do a sub 5 minute mile, 2 miles in under 11, a 5k in just over 18 minutes, and I finished a 10k in 43 minutes.
I was also able to max the pull ups and did 108 sit ups in 2 minutes.
I don't expect those numbers, but I would like to get to the point where I can jog/run a 5k and not have to just walk it.

On a side note, I won't be doing any more pack training.
My chiro had to do some serious adjustments today.
With the extra weight I have on me now, just walking will be enough.
I will have to do ruck training for next year, but that will be after surgery.
I figure I can start doing rucking after the new year starts.
Start out slow and build up.
FANS and Eagle UP Ultra next year.

Stand By..... Pending.... Pending....

20180531 I went in to see Dr. Dock for my final appointment for setting up my weight loss surgery.

I was really nervous but I made the weight I needed.
So, my surgery will be July 18.
Late morning or early afternoon, time to be figured out.

I have a couple pre-op appointments and classes but the surgery is on.


So last weekend I did FANS.
Still looking for donations https://www.facebook.com/crafterjohn/posts/10204348974600313.


Last year when I did it, and actually finished blowing out my knee, I had been training a lot more and weighed 50lbs less.
I made 8 miles before my knee hurt too much to continue.

This year, when they weighed me at the beginning, I was 368.5 pounds.
I was 387.5 pounds with my bag on.
It ended up a little more once I fully filled my hydration bladder.

I have been trying to adjust my bag and how I carry it.
I had to make more adjustments before this event because I had gained so much weight.
Evidently the changes weren't right as I ended up with some serious lower back cramps.
They got so bad that even on my last lap without the bag that I had serious issues and it was even slower than the previous laps.

Elsolel got some pics of me and you can see how the belt/bag adjustments I made didn't work.
You can also see how wide I am and just how much weight I carry in my front stomach area.

The pic on the top is the ad on the GoRuck site for the 26L GR1.
The pic on the bottom is me with the same bag.
The model in the GoRuck pic is about 1 to 1 1/2 inches shorter so a fairly close approximation of height.
You can tell just how wide I am.

I know after my surgery I won't lose a ton width wise, but I really do expect to lose a lot off my stomach.

Very obvious just how much and where I carry my weight.

Elsolel and I are trying to figure how and where to do consistent pictures.
I want to makes sure that they are all from the same distance and angle.

So this coming weekend I am going down to do the Eagle UP Ultra in Canal Fulton, OH.
Two big differences in this event versus FANS.
1 is that my bag can be weighed at any point and has to be at least 22 pounds.
For FANS, it was only about 18 and part of that weight was partially water.

2 is that the loop is 5 miles and not 2.
At FANS, I knew I only needed to do 2 miles and there was a water stop just over 1/2 way thru.
So each lap at Eagle UP will be more than 2 laps for FANS and not as many water stops.
I just have to keep the motto in my mind: RUCK UP AND CARRY ON.