Not Alone

1 month ago
1 long month
A month of trying to cope with the loss
A month of trying to keep going
A month of trying to come to grips with conflicting feelings and emotions

Loss of my father
Loss of someone I could talk to
Loss of a person that helped make me what I am today, both good and bad
Frustration with someone that didn't finish some things he had promised
Frustration at trying to gather pieces of his life with no guides
Happiness in finding someone that makes me feel good
Happiness in making progress in my house
Happiness in making myself healthier
Fear when I realize that I have some of the same health issues he did
Guilt that I didn't do enough, didn't spend enough time, didn't show my love enough, didn't say "I Love You" enough
Guilt that I miss him so much
Moments of great darkness and pain
Moments of great joy
Moments of tears that just come

I don't know that the pain will ever go away
I do know, if the deaths of all of my grandparents are a comparison, that I will come to terms with it and move on

I read today about someone struggling with the loss of their parent
Reading the words of support for them reminded me of the words of support I received
They made me truly realize, we are not alone
We make ourselves alone but we are not alone

We find it easier to offer support than to accept it
We find it easier to be strong rather than show what we think as weakness
We find it easier to offer a shoulder for someone to cry on than to cry on someones shoulder
We find it easier to hold someone close in a hug than to allow someone to hold us
We find it easier to say "I'm fine" than to say "I hurt. I need help. I feel lost. I want a hug."

Even now, after writing that, I am having a problem saying it
Even now, I am trying to put the good face on and say "I'm fine. I will be strong."

To be honest, I hurt, I need help, I feel lost, I want to curl up, be held & cry out the pain
I just have to be willing to accept

1 comment:

  1. I lost my mom less than two weeks before this last Christmas. This Sunday is Mother's Day. I didn't have the best relationship with my mother, but honestly, the thought of "Mother's Day" without a mom has almost brought me to tears (in very public places) several times the past week.

    You have my love and support. I honestly understand exactly what you mean.